tovi spent the day with one of his best friend's down near LA
i could have gone, of course, but it just seemed like so much work
so cruz and i stayed home and i told myself that we would have a really fun
but i just couldn't do it
after church, cruz took a three-hour nap
watched the project runway finale
ate a cupcake
swept the floor for the bajillionth time this week
i laid down for a nap
which is right when he woke up of course
i tried to rally myself
mother-son time! i thought
just couldn't do it
i felt tired and lonely and worn out and for the love if another cheerio gets ground into my floor!
we'll walk to the farmer's market i told myself
we'll nosh on the samples and i'll buy one cool thing for dinner
but first, it was time to eat a snack outside
because seriously, if i have to sweep one more time today
(new rule: we're only eating outside from now on)
there's was no farmer's market today.
we walked to the park and i let cruz get dirtier than he's ever been.
i felt so down and unworthy
i want every moment of his life to be perfect
and full of love
and beautiful moments
but some days i'm just tired
i watched cruz watching the airplanes fly overhead
"lord" i prayed
"today i feel empty and alone.
even with cruz next to me.
even when i know you are beside me.
wash over me.
let me not get caught up in my own self, looking inwards
instead of up to you.
you know what i need.
and i am not alone."
and lord, you overwhelmed my life
and picked me up when i was tired
and reminded me that my strength does not come
from me but you
that not every moment will be perfect
not every day filled with laughter
but they'll be filled with love
thank you for not expecting perfection
or great photography skills
or a clean house
and i'm not alone
i am still tired