when it comes to welcoming a new baby into our home, i'm not too worried about it. we have an infant car seat (it's totally a boy color, but whatever), someone will set up the pack-n-play, and if need be, we can pick up a pack of newborn-sized diapers on the drive home from the hospital. she will be fine.
but when it comes to welcoming a new baby into our family, i have two major worries.
ok, three major worries, but one has to do with nursing and simultaneously participating in the sun-up-to-sun-down basketball practice schedule cruz has been insisting on lately. i'm sure we'll work that one out.
no, these two fears are major mama-heart fears, and i know in my head that it will all be fine, so i'm letting you in on them now so that in four months you can say, "i told you so. see, it all worked out."
fear number one: i love cruz with my whole heart. these last two years have been infinitely precious to me. no one on the planet or in the history of humankind knows him better than i do. i mean, that is amazing, isn't it? it is an awesome and overpowering feeling. he is everything to me. that i love him isn't even something i can conceive of or quantitate because he is just part of me. my whole heart for my whole life. etc. how can i possibly bring in another child to this family and ever love them as much as i love cruz?
fear number two: i am crazy about my little girl. when she starts bouncing around in my tummy, it's like the world shifts and i must pay attention. i can't wait to hold her in the new morning light of the hospital and tell her, "you. you. we prayed for you to come and join our family. God turned our mourning into laughter with you." i can't wait to hold her and do tummy time and sweet newborn baths and snuggles... and what if in all that love, i start to love her too much and leave cruz behind?
i know God works a miracle in our mama hearts. i've already had it happen once. but sometimes i can't believe that i get to have this much love in my life.