i've been working a lot lately. like, ten hour days, which needless to say, i am no longer used to. i work park time, mostly from home, but ten hour days should be no one's definition of part time. i know, i know: "a mom's day is never done" etc, but adding ten hours of work work on top of that has proved to be somewhat tiring. in order to get everything done (and it's just a season- this will pass), i have been jumping at every chance to have someone else watch cruz. he's loving it, of course, because he loves having buddies to play with and new people around, but i am feeling the weight of the mommy guilt.
ugh. i never, ever thought i would say those words. "mommy guilt." first off, i usually hate anything called "mommy" that isn't being uttered by my own darling child. mommy wars, mommy blog... all these terms come off as faintly insulting, am i right? but i also have worked hard to take ownership of my choices and not succumb to this arbitrary burden of guilt. if i'm working, i'm working. if i'm home, i'm home. i love sending cruz to daycare because he loves it and i've seen him grow by leaps and bounds since we started. i believe that it takes a village, etc. i love that cruz sees tovi as an equal caregiver. and yet... mommy guilt.
the compromise that i've made with myself is that when cruz and i are together this week, we just do whatever he wants to do. i follow his lead and he LOVES it. and that is why we've ended by in our cul de sac every evening stomping on drains.
cruz has recently rekindled his love for stomping on drains and lucky for him, there are many, many drains right in our own cul de sac. he starts the process by standing by our front door and (as he does when he reallllly wants something), pointing at it silently, hoping i'll get the hint. (tovi has pointed out that this is not unlike someone else in the house) "do you want to go step on the drains?" i asked, sounding kind of bored. "drains! yes!" his whole face lights up and his little feet are moving in place, a mile a minute.
so we run on the drains. we stomp on the drains. we tip-toe on them. but cruz's favorite favorite is when i call out which drains he's stepping on. there i am, standing in my cul de sac as the good people of my neighborhood come home from work, calling out, "water! water! sewer!"
oh, mommy guilt. what will you have me doing next?